Satire

Sorry it has been so long since I have posted. I just don't get around to it. I guess that that is a good thing, because it means I don't spend as much time online. I decided to post this satire, which was an assignment in our English class. I really enjoyed writing it, so I hope that you all enjoy reading it.


Thinning the Herd: Eliminating Those Who Are a Drain Upon Our Society, Thereby Raising the Value of Life, Providing Natural Resources, and Improving Our Nuclear Weapon System

Or

A Discourse on Abortion

Upon a chance, my mind has strayed to the thought of the value of life in our society. Of how much worth is a life anyway? I cast my eyes around and found an answer to my query. The answer was in the headline of a newspaper: ‘Abortion Increases as Obama Takes Office.’ If mothers are allowed to murder their unborn children, then of what value is life? Obviously, the value of life is on a huge rise. After all, much like the Supply and Demand formula, the fewer there are of us, the more we are worth. With this thought in mind, abortion becomes totally logical. We need to rid ourselves of those who are a burden upon society and are a drain on our hard-earned tax money and limited natural resources. After much consideration, I have come up with a master plan to aid the country in the decision of eliminating those in society we do not need. I propose Project Thinning the Herd.

Project Thinning the Herd is quite simple. Who are the feeble in society? Who cannot support themselves or other people around them? The country has already come up with one such group: unborn infants. They obviously are quite dependent on their mothers, both before birth and after. By eliminating them, we eliminate the burden that many otherwise free women in our society have. I could discourse longer upon other reasons; however, today’s society has already labored on that topic for at least nine months. I have come up with another dependent group: the elderly. I propose that once someone has passed the level of being able to support one’s own person and has to rely on other sources, such as Medicare or Social Security, then that someone be removed from society altogether. To prevent confusion on when the independent actually becomes dependent, a standard of the age 65 or after the first stroke, whichever comes first, will be the standard time to thin the herd of that specific burden. Those who love the idea of abortion will readily accept this plan, seeing how close it is to what they are doing.

Those who are at or above the age of 65, or those who have suffered a stroke, will likely not adhere with the said plan. Therefore, I am willing to provide a list of different and creative methods that will make the old buzzards kick the bucket. Recent studies show that 85% of men and women above the age of 63 require some sort of medication. After Googling prices for cyanide and arsenic, I have found that a relatively inexpensive way is to lace the pills being taken. This is an inexpensive method that provides great results, with little gruesome side effects. What about the elusive 15% who do not take medication? Well, they are probably concocting their own natural and herbal remedies, in which case they will be dead in a more reliable and natural fashion much more quickly. For those who think that this method is too inhumane, I have come up with alternatives. One of my favorites is the Dr. Kevorkian Method, which is either to disconnect the IV tube or trip over the oxygen tank cord while trying to stab them with a needle. I can’t remember which one it is. Another one of the more popular methods is what I like to call the Obaminator. Simply take an old man, preferably one who has frequent contact with the Republican Party, and thoroughly interrogate him using questionable methods, such as water boarding and simulated slapping, to see if he had anything to do with the shady circumstances surrounding Guatanamo Bay. Although it is relatively simple, the success rate is well over 98% the user can be sure that the president will be proud. If none of these techniques work out, one can always resort to taking them to the Statue of Liberty and showing them the Air Force One glamour shots. The heart attack will surely do them in.

After one of these methods is used and the desired effect is reached, the bodies will be amassed into a single chamber, where a fuse is lit. The smoke will then set turbines spinning, generating electricity. If all goes well, it should power up to one-third of the United States of America, excluding Florida, which will be able to power the rest of the two-thirds by itself, due to the concentrated area of retirement homes and RV parks. Therefore, my plan will not only eliminate the feeble who are draining our natural resources, but it will turn them into natural resources. This will solve the energy crisis and the controlled population will be able to slow down global warming. There is no bad side to Project Thinning the Herd. It is a win-win situation.

There are a few more ways to aid the country in controlling the population and increasing the value of life. Transients are a perfect target. Simply offer them one-way tickets to a city in New Mexico and turn that city into a nuclear missile test site. Also, clearing away all Lakers fans should be a good way to weed out all of the fakes, or people pretending to be huge fans because Kobe’s on our team and we live in LA, in our society. There should be no opposition to Project Thinning the Herd, as shown by the national attitude on abortion. Those who tell themselves that abortion is morally wrong, though the minority, will have already left the country in order to practice their evils in a place where their appalling habits of having so many children will not be scorned. There the supply of human life will be much greater, and will therefore be worth little.